Jokes

[Zandramadass]

A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in he realizes it's a
gay bar.

"What the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name
of your willy?"

The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a
drink."

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me
the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan
'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS,
because 'It really Satisfies."

The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give
him a second to think it over.

So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer,

"Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"

The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty cowboy
asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, " 'Cause it takes a lickin' and
keeps on tickin!'"

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who
happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call
yours?"

The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because
"'Quality is Job One" Then he adds,"Have you driven a Ford lately?"

The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY.....'Like a Rock!' And
gives a wink!

Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes
up with a name for his manhood.

Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my willy
is SECRET. Now give me a beer."

The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look
asks, "Why Secret?"

The cowboy says, "Because it's 'STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A
WOMAN!!!!

[Zandramadass]

I was over at Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my Boston Terrier earlier this week and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. It wasn't the best day. It was a long line. I couldn't help myself at this point. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned and was that why I was in the hospital.
I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

[Zandramadass]

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy,
painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play
with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind
for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the
medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.

It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just
rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart
and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right
off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I
am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck
together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out
the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!) I
lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull.

It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do
this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward
body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire. With my next wax strip I
move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for
the ultimate hair fighting championship.

I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same
procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini line,
covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching down to the inside of
my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace
myself.... RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the
strip. CRAP!!!

Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I
may pass out...must stay conscious... Do I hear crashing drums???

Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so
much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory
that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!

There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly I
ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet.

I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching
wax.

CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now
covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on
the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

DANG!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door.

*Hoo-Hoo*?? sealed shut!

Butt?? Sealed shut! I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out
what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My
head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand
into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should
melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? WRONG!!!!!!!

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture
prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only
thing worse than having your nether regions glued together is having them
glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub.... in scalding hot
water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the
bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!

God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put
in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret
of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter - "So, my
butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but
she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where
the wax is located , "Are we talking cheeks or who-ha?"

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and
she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!!

I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various
solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels
better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut,
stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax
off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm
pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this
event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....
the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to
lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.

It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. IT WORKS!! It works!! I get a
hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove
the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair.... THE
HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could
have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color...... now that's funny.
NOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT



Credit for the previous 3 Jokes go to Danton from DA on Quellious

[Nadori]

The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office. The

IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney. The

auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no

full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money

gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a

demonstration"? The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go

ahead."

Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own

eye." The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite

my other eye."

The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Ralph

removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor

now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's

attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand

dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that

wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and

decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees

again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he

strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket

on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major

loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head

in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me

he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars

that he could come in here and piss all over an IRS official's desk

and that you'd be happy about it.